Lak-O-Tone Records today announced that the company is opening an investigation into circumstances surrounding the employment of mailroom supervisor Fleming Bombadine. Specifically, it appears Mr. Bombadine submitted a resumé that was erroneous in several key points. Mr. Bombadine has been placed under administrative leave until the matter is resolved.
Mary McGoon, chairwoman of the search committe that selected Bombadine, was stunned by the developments. "Everything seemed to be copascetic about what he said about his past," she said, "and he seemed like an ideal fit for the job. In hindsight, though, we should have been suspicious when he talked for two hours about the history of message delivery during Neandertal times, relating it to his modifications of Claude Shannon's Communication Theory."
The investigation subcommittee asked Mr. Bombadine about the falsification allegations. Here is his response:
"First of all, if anyone has been hurt by the discrepancies in my resumé, I want to apologize. I just didn't have time to read it over, and I admit it contains some minor clerical errors. The part about attending Flying Nun parochial school is correct, but I suppose I should have mentioned Phillips Exeter and Harvard, as well. I had completely forgotten that the four year hiatus in my job history was because I was chairman of the Thirteenth Federal Reserve District before it was eliminated by the Regional Reserve Rationalization and Reorganization to Eliminate Unlucky Numbers Act of 1996. All I can say is that I've been too busy to check small details such as this. I admit, though, that I really should have included the part about my winning the Nobel Prize in Economics for my little monograph on the Application of DeBroglie Particle-Wave Theory to Soybean Futures Pricing, where I point out that soybeans themselves behave like particles, but soybean futures exhibit much less of what I defined as legumal corporeality.
"Statistics theory states that, in the long run, clerical resumé errors should cancel out to produce equal instances of inflation and deflation. I guess the law of averages caught up with me."