Lak-O-Tone Records today announced that henceforth the company will meet Six-Sigma Quality standards in its products. The initiative was announced at a mandatory-attendance all-employee meeting during what would normally be the lunch hour if it hadn't been usurped for the meeting.

"From now on, we're going to be Number 1," company president Lawrence Fechtenberger (photo) told the silent crowd. "We will not tolerate any misplaced bytes on our digital CDs."

Fechtenberger is intimately familiar with quality defects from his former career as a cadet at the US Space Academy. In keeping with an ongoing economy drive at Lak-O-Tone, the six-sigma handouts are the same as the former Total Quality Management handouts, except with a new label taped over the heading. "As soon as we've achieved six-sigma, we're going to set our sights on seven-sigma," enthused Fechtenberger. When asked what resources were being allocated to meet the new requirements, he answered, "We have no extra budget and won't add any new hires for this program, because Quality doesn't cost; it pays!"

An employee leaving the meeting after it was over was asked his opinion of the new program. "It looks like they're going to come around and ask for a donation for medical treatment for the prez," he replied. "He says he's got sick smegma."

Immediately after the meeting, the Lak-O-Tone Quality Assurance Department began loosening Product Acceptance Parameters (PAP) to meet the new quality goals.

To celebrate the new program, Lakotony's, the bar across the street from the factory, is featuring a new drink, the Black Belt, which turns out to be Kaluha and vodka served with a new name.